John Furie Zacharias
having a bad day in a strange place
Thunderstorms Anywhere

Thunderstorms in the Imajica

 The different ways I don't like you 
 in a list that may never become organized
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JfZ making a mess of the web
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Monday, February 02, 2004
Super Breast XXXVIII

I've seen better tits on Chris Farley
Just when you thought it was safe to let your little kid watch the Superbowl, Janet Jackson exposes her breast during the halftime show.  This is definitely a sign of the apocalypse on a biblical scale.  Yeah, okay ...

You already know what I thought about the big Superbowl halftime show.  I didn't comment on the breast thang.  Do you want to know why?  It wasn't because I wasn't appalled by it.  It wasn't because I was too busy speed-dialing CBS, Viacom, MTV or the FCC over it.  I didn't comment on it because I didn't even friggin' see it!

Unless little Johnny had a live action freeze frame TiVo DVR, he probably missed it too.  And yet, all I heard about on the cable news shows was the talking head pundits yapping about their outrage while repeatedly showing the 23 milliseconds of blurry breast video over and over again.  They actually want the FCC to fine everyone involved.  Excuse me but I wouldn't have known about it at all had I not tuned into your un-rated cable news show and viewed the blurry version of Janet's tit.

Even if Little Johnny had taken his ritalin, stopped tormenting the family pet, and actually watched the halftime show full of crappy popstars singing hits from several years ago, is his innocent little mind forever tarnished now?

Concerned Parent: "Son, I really need to talk to you about what happened Sunday".

Little Johnny: "There are more friggin' erotic moments in the KJV bible than during Superbowl 38's halftime show, mommy".

Concerned Parent: "So you saw Janet Jackson.  I'm concerned".

Little Johnny: "She's a fat middle-aged woman, mom.  I would be more concerned if it was her brother, Michael, exposing himself if I were you".

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Sunday, February 01, 2004
Superbowl XXXVIII

nicotine fit ... nicotine fit ... nicotine fit

The big game - Superbowl XXXVIII - was being aired on CBS tonight, live from Houston.  The first thing I thought of was that I was turning XL next week and that I was actually older than the tradition of the NFL's big game.  How nice for me.

The New England Patriots and the Carolina Panthers played a defensive game.  In other words, the football game was mind-bogglingly boring until someone scored in a game during which very few people even care who will win it this year.  Nevertheless, I thought it was my male duty to try and watch until the half-time show.

Besides, we're all supposed to get excited over the multi-million dollar TV commercials, right?  I liked the AOL spots only because I've been a fan of Discovery Channel's Orange County Chopper's fat Mikey, Paul Sr. and Jr. in their shop. The only other commercial that made me giggle was the car advert where the kids end up with soap in their mouths for saying "Holy Shit" when they see the top go down on the car.  What I don't like is watching CBS stroke its own dick promoting its own lame shows instead of airing good and expensive commercials.  If CBS is "the most watched network in America", then the terrorists have already won.

If I wasn't going to watch the Superbowl, what were my choices on the other networks?

Fox was going after the SciFi guy audience by airing Independence Day.  I can appreciate Will Smith getting into some SciFi movies, he's pretty cool in the Men In Black franchise.  Jeff Goldblum is no stranger to strange movies.  Remember Earth Girls are Easy and The Fly?  And then there's president of the United States, Bill Pullman.  He has a better chance of winning the presidential election next November than does Al Sharpton, unless Kevin Klein comes back as Dave.  With all that star power, Independence Day is a cool movie.  I appreciate the movie more for the fact that Harry Connick Jr., a great musician of our generation, plays a jet fighter pilot and we get to see Brent Spiner, from STNG's Commander Data fame, play the head scientist of Area 51 in charge of the alien artifacts from the Roswell crash.  It's not a real stretch out of his role as Data's creator, Dr. Noonian-Sung, but Brent Spiner is interesting anyway.  Even with all that, I had to change the channel.  I've seen Independence Day 46 times already.  I have the actor's friggin' lines memorized.

ABC is a big powerful network.  Surely they'll have something cool on TV.  It wasn't the case.  The bean-counters must have chosen the programming.  They put on a chick flick to get the chick demographic not watching the Superbowl.  I watched thirty seconds of the some movie with Julia Roberts sitting around a dinner table exposing her character's inner-most feelings ... and then I saw it.  I knew I was watching the wrong thing.  Hugh Grant was there.  Click!

NBC went after the twink demographic.  They were airing some Queer Eye for the Straight Guy episode.  Have you noticed that NBC is bringing on shows from its cable network properties lately?  The Fab 5 is one.  I enjoyed watching the Celebrity Poker Challenge on Bravo ... then I didn't really want to watch re-runs of it again on NBC, too.  Must-Flee TV.

The WB aired a Surreal Life Marathon.  This is a new pseudo-reality show with Ron Jeremy, the pornstar, living with Erik Estrada, Vanilla Ice, The Televangelist Masquera Queen, and two other fuck-bunnies from cancelled shows.  Marathon equals re-runs.  Click!

UPN didn't even try.  Re-runs from ST:Voyager.  Crap.  Click!

The glitz and glamour of a superbowl half-time is unparalelled.  Or it is supposed to be.  I thought I might have been watching a clip from Larry King Live or Greta Van Sustern show interviewing Janet Jackson in the wake of her brother's legal gymnastics over his unending pedophilia scandals.  It wasn't a cable news show magazine clip, it was the half-time show.  Argh.

Wearing some Pirate of the Carribean outfit, Janet Jackson's fat ass is lowered onto the stage using a heavy-duty hydraulic lift.  I guess you could call it a big entrance.  She bounces around a sea of lean dancers with a white dress thing covering her fat, middle-aged ass.  Just when I thought I could make it into the bathroom to puke, P Diddy arrives on stage.

Now, I actually have played football in an indoor arena, at the Pontiac Silverdome.  It was just our high school team playing in a state championship, but I think I can comment on one thing.  Reliant stadium is pretty much the same as any indoor stadium.  It's friggin' tropical on the playing field, even if it's 10 below outside.  P Diddy was in a white, full-length down coat with friggin fox fur collar.  When he started yapping, I mean rapping, he must have thought he was climbing out of his Cadillac Escalade into the Manhattan winter because he looked more like a Pimp Daddy than a P Diddy.

Luckily, Nelly pulled up in a car and reminded everyone that it was "Hot in Herre", which was good.  Sean's ears must have still been Puffy, because he came back anyway and started yappin' some more.  Luckily, the spotlight operator turned off P Diddy's stage spot after only a few lines of yap and lit up the secondary stage where Kid Rock appeared.

Now I like Kid Rock.  He's a homey from Detroit.  But if I see another pop star draped in the U.S. flag, I'm going to contact some nutbag in the newsgroup and urge him to please go on a shooting spree.

Right about the time I was wiping my initial vomit from my chin, Janet Jackson stage re-lit and she came out again in what appeared to be a Cirque D'Soleil performance.  I'm not sure, but black latex and some samurai kilt thing still didn't work to cover her big fat ass.
What really makes human vomit stink is the acidic stomach bile.  In the case of the Superbowl half-time show, it was the icing on the cake ... Justin Timberlake.  He sashayed around the stage in mock heterosexuality, sniffing after Janet Jackson like Ashton Kuschner following behind Demi Moore.

I turned the channel back to the WB network and the Surreal Life marathon.  It seemed more normal.

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Thursday, January 29, 2004
Another Nippy Night

Is that your heart rate or are you just happy to see me?

My happy little weather pixie tells me it's another nippy night outside -- 48 degrees.  There was frost on the ground last night so I guess it's just as well that I can't go out easily.

My day was fairly uneventful. 
High Priestess was being the good friend and took her co-worker to the doctor's office.  Moral support.  I do hope the news wasn't bad, her co-worker seems like a cool person.

Not being so nice anymore, and disabled, I stayed home.  I spent my morning and afternoon spraying the cat, Scrappy-Doo, with water to keep him from howling at the top of his furry little lungs at the event of High Priestess' departure.

Back when I had to use a Stihl Masonry Cut-Off Saw indoors, we would fashion a water spray bottle by sticking a nail hole in a plastic soda pop bottle to spray on the diamond blade in order to keep deleterious dust down.  Squeeze the plastic bottle and the spray will reach 10-12 feet away, which is far enough to reach the cat without having to hobble closer using my friggin' walkerPretty HFD.

Try making one for yourself.  Surprise your friends and co-workers with a shot of cold water in the face the next time they say something utterly friggin' stupid.  Better yet, fill the bottle with gasoline and use it on your boss.

When I wasn't spraying water at Scrappy-Doo, I did use the time alone to make an MP3 file with the
Fruity Loops demo.  It's a dance-club track called JfZ-beat1.mp3 right now.  That name is so friggin' catchy, it just about gives me a hard-on.  Not.  Eventually, I'll put it online somewhere for download.  That way, you can listen to it and come back here and make fun of me (or it).

I also made the [> permalink <] thing for the blog entries.  If I am really bored (yet still motivated) later tonight, I may go back and put my permalink code in past entries.  The permalink URL is the archival URL for each individual blog entry. It's just in case you wanted to book mark an entry for some reason only known to yourself and that imaginary friend you're always seen talking with.

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Wednesday, January 28, 2004
FBI's most wanted



For fun, just keep refreshing this page in your web browser.

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Tuesday, January 27, 2004
Stop the whining

whatever you say, dude
As almost all callers say to the morning show host of C-SPAN, "Thank you for C-SPAN".  I like C-SPAN for one main reason - I fall asleep to it.  I like to leave the TV on and fall asleep to it.  Usually C-SPAN has a monotoned bureaucrat trying not to squirm during their congressional testimony.  C-SPAN2 is my favorite, though.  It has fairly unknown historical authors who are normally squirreled away in some reference library sophomorically talking to an audience about their book.  Very soothing.

Unlike other TV programming, on C-SPAN I'm not going to be roused from my slumber by some car chases, murderous screams, explosions, or the overly caffeine-stimulated excited voices of an informercial salesman -- unless C-SPAN reruns the screaming Dean speech that has become recent media fodder.  Nope.  Just the soothing voices of historical authors, congressional witnesses and the occasional NASA engineer trying to sound cool updating us all on the Mars rovers.

This evening wasn't so soothing.  Congressional Democrats ran late into the night "upset that they had been lied to" by the Bush administration.  It seems they were fooled by Bush's claims of WMDs in Iraq and never would have given him the authority to go to war, if they hadn't been lied to.  Now, I'm no fan of GWB by any means but please stop the whining.

Back when the administration first made the claim that Iraq 'must be hiding WMDs' because Hussein threw the UN inspectors out, that was a precursor for the re-writing of history.  I've heard people reason that since Hussein told the inspectors to leave, he must have been hiding WMDs.  To me, they miss the most obvious point.

Since the first war in Iraq, Hussein days were numbered.  Don't you think he knew that?  When GWB was crowned president of the United States by the Supreme Court, don't you think Hussein was calling his real estate people looking for affordable spider holes in good neighborhoods?

At the beginning of the current Iraq war, a friend called me expressing deep concern that we were going to war with Iraq.  I reminded them that we had never ceased being at war with Iraq, even if it wasn't on the nightly news every evening (like it is now).  Hussein was in a no-win situation.  He only had control of the middle third of his country since the Gulf War.  The bottom and top thirds were part of those infamous "no-fly zones".  Yet, if something happened, he would be blamed.  So, everytime a jet patrol was painted by a radar station, it got bombed.  If the UN inspectors didn't find any WMDs -- well, Hussein must have hidden them by burying them in the desert. 

Hussein is an arrogant meglomaniac, but he isn't that fucking stupid either.  He knew it was a never ending inspection regime that would never be satisified when GWB became president ... might as well tell the inspectors to piss off.

Now the
CIA's main inspection guy resigns and says there are no stockpiles of WMDs in Iraq.  Duh

Q: What happened to the stockpiles of biological and chemical weapons that everyone expected to be there?

A: I don't think they existed.
I just wish the Democrats would stop whining on my soothing C-SPAN about it.  If they are that fucking stupid as to have been fooled by the Bush administration, they shouldn't be leading this country either

I need my sleep.  Stop whining on C-SPAN!

Next I'm going to hear that they found Osama bin Laden's fucking cell phone number written on a $100 bill in Saddam's spider hole luggage.

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