I think root canal surgery on polar bears (ursus maritmus) is a growth industry.  According to Rhonda Savage, a dentist near Tacoma, polar bears kept in tiny circus cages around the world develope a nervous habit of rubbing their teeth on the metal bars and excess wear can occur.  I can empathize with this, as I grind my teeth at night.  Recently, one of these polar bears, a 19-year-old named Boris, went in for some dental work to take care of two problem teeth.

You'd think it would be tough performing two root canals on a 1,018-pound, meat-eating beast with 4-inch claws.  Not according to Boris' dentist, Edmund Kwan.  Not quoted as saying, "First, you just knock the bitch out like some fat, middle-aged teamster and then use a larger drill bit".

While Boris got two root canals done, it's known that his buddy, Kenneth will require five surgeries.  Dentists are salivating and rubbing their own teeth on cash registers at the prospect of a whole new growing demographic of clientele.

As many women have had their dentist fondle them while under anesthesia, Boris also had liberties taken.  With no prior consent, they drew blood and urine from him.  While this seems to be a gross violation of his privacy, Boris doesn't plan any litigation as he had no dental insurance to cover the financial cost of his procedures.

Although The News Tribune in Tacoma didn't specify if Boris was a Republican at the time of his root canal, my personal opinion is that Boris is more likely to be a Libertarian as he certainly would devour any donkey or elephant meat given to him like a free hot wing appetizer at Hooters.  Donkeys and Elephants can eat tons of grass every day but get all righteous if a couple of polar bears smoke any.

One of my neighbors just showed up last week.  My new nickname for him is TOP.  He was an army lifer.  30 years or whatever.  He likes when I call him TOP because only someone who was an army first-sargeant or command-sargeant-major would turn around when someone yelled " Hey, TOP!! ".  CSM is the TOP of the army's NCO ranks, just in case you needed to know that to win a piece of pie during your next Trivial Pursuit game.

He's the president of our little home owner's association.  He pisses me off to no end because when he leaves his home in the morning, his dog fuckin' HOWLS at the top of his little canine lungs until TOP comes home.  I piss TOP off because I play HIP/HOP RAP music and the bass beat hurts his brain, I guess.  So, that's nice.

I burned TOP a Glenn Miller CD and burned his Loius Armstrong and Tony Bennet CDs this past weekend.  I make friends with the Q-tips here by giving them music from the days of their youths.  And. And. And, I had to tell TOP what the rules were.

You aren't allowed to bitch about my music because I play Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin and Glenn Miller and Charlie Parker just as often down at the pool and just as loud as I do Eminem, Kid Rock or Ted Nugent.

 

 So anyway, I burned a mix CD for my little apple-berry-redneck girlfriend this past weekend. Here's the playlist for the Banana Split Mix:

 

It's after 4:00am and I can't sleep. If I add up all the hours that I have sat bleary-eyed and exhausted in front of this damn monitor, or one just like it, I could have gestated in a elephant's womb, been dropped unceremoniously onto the dusty savannah in a pile of goo and joined the roaming herd of big game.

Part of my problem with insomnia is Bill Gates.  Why did he factory-load Solitaire into every one of his MS WinX OS's since day one?  Is he a digital crack dealer?  I've clicked away hours of my life playing Spider solitaire. 

It's a conspiracy reaching into the highest levels of government, crooked politicians, industrialists and so-called philanthropists.  I mean, they give little innocent school children free PCs at our public schools to expose them and get them hooked on Solitaire at such a vulnerable and tender age.

The Federal Trade Commision doesn't even know half of the truth.  Or more likely, they are part of the cover up of the true evil -- Solitaire.