John Furie Zacharias
having a bad day in a strange place
Thunderstorms Anywhere

Thunderstorms in the Imajica

 The different ways I don't like you 
 in a list that may never become organized
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Sunday, July 25, 2004
TAG board - one foot in the archive

Everyone!  Into the pool!!
So ... why?  Well, I go through the TAG board periodically (or when asked) and delete entries.  Mainly, I delete your entries because it reloads the page periodically or when you add a new tag.  When it gets too large, it takes up bandwidth loading constantly.  My general rule was this: if you put an annoying little smilie emoticon on the TAG, that entry was the first to go when I cleaned house.

The second rule: if the entry was older.  But, the second rule bummed me out because I hate to throw away memories.  So, some entries were deemed to be classics and had to be preserved (like Hygelic reading my blog in the bathroom on his cell phone).

Then, the first and second rules unfortunately clashed when it came to old school phreeks who might put an ascii emoticon at the end of their sentence, like Skennedy (et al).  These people were violating my first unstated rule through no fault of their own, and, because the programmers of the TAG board must have thought to themselves, "how handy-fucking-dandy would it be if we just translated every ascii emoticon to a different happy little yellow face?"  So, they dropped another few hits of Exstacy, patted each other on the back and went back to coding the TAG board.

So, whether it is a good thing or a bad thing -- I've decided to archive the TAG board here for all to see -- and still be able to delete older entries (and keep the TAG.html small) with a clear conscience.

Read 2007 Archive: [Feb][Jan]

Read 2006 Archive: [Dec][Nov][Oct][Sep][Aug][Jul][Jun][May][Apr][Mar][Feb][Jan]

Read 2005 Archive: [Dec][Nov][Oct][Sep][Aug][Jul][Jun][May][Apr][Mar][Feb][Jan]

Read 2004 Archive: [Dec][Nov][Oct][Sep][Aug][Jul][Prior to July 2004]

hcoluver hey
hcoluver hey
ladymaverick nice blog!
Deirdre <3
cutepsycho ei, tnx for the comment.. Im just too sad to give a straight response ryt now.
Parisian15 because of april 17th post
em thought i'd drop by.
Gloria And thanks, J.
Gloria Oh dude, I just realized I mixed up ogee and ogives. I am a terrible student!
J f Z Re: blunt metal object -- Hah! Yep. They don't call that a "come along" for nothing, I guess. It's a 'gettin medieval on yo ass' persuader.
J f Z Yeah. I couldn't leave a comment because of your IP proxy blocking this morning, so I sent the comment via your contact form.
Gloria Anyway, I can't see how you're ever foolish. You just whack your detractors with some kind of blunt metal object.
Gloria J, you read wicked fast.
Authenticia Hey,How goes the battle?
Knucklehead you know my email addy if you want to reply. Thanks again man.
Knucklehead for the poetry contest that I entered in the site that you sugget to me. one. Thanks for telling me about it.
Knucklehead Hey JFZ, just wanted to quickly pop by, and just say that I wanted to tell you that I am a semi finalist for the poem I sent into the contest Free Verse one.
Jen Happy Friday the 13th!!
Deirdre Your comment is so right. And very true.
wailfulrhyme maybe she meant J-Roc from the trailer park boys.
Daveman J rocks? So thats who was throwing rocks through my window! Yew rotten kid! Git outta muh yard! **shakes cane wildly**
Gloria J, you rock.
plh Good friday 2 U & wishing you the best ever Easter! }}}HUGS{{{
J f Z plh: I have nothing left. See comment in 513.
plh im being nosey - but how much did the hospital/doctors and insurance compay soak you for?
Deirdre Someone owes me an e-mail but I'm not naming any names.
Mephala Goofy-looking kids usually grow up to be hot guys.

Authenticia Just poppin are you?
J f Z <-- Heh. No, Mephala ... but I was a goofy-looking little kid, nonetheless.
Mephala Hey John! Is that little boy pouring Kool-Aid you?
Tigerrr oh yeah, aside frpm the fact that I am very drunk and dumped right about now, I love you man. Youre great, keep onm doeing what ur doing..never stop
Tigerrr youre crazy john
Jude Tasty v... *snort, coffee splutter*
Jude <-- Mephala tagged me...thus in the fullness of time, I taggeth'd you.
Jude Damn. Could you delete that tag? This time I'll do it right and not make your tagboard go wonky.
keithoe hmmmm..tasty vagina...
J f Z I'm not anti-bush. I often enjoy a tasty vagina, very munch.
jahri-ann are you anti-bush?
LEI wow, i love your year-round archive! how do you do this?
Daveman I was never here, yu never saw me **black ops ya know**
Deirdre Hi John, hi hi hiiiiiiii! Hi. (:
7oneders Can't believe you nearly did those test tingi!
keithoe you rock
Knucklehead Hey not much, how are you?
Authenticia *ppeeks head in smiles then leaves*
Lorcs Yeah, a plan I hope I can pull off! Hope you're doing well!!
Authenticia Go forth and enjoy your weekend!
J f Z cute ...
sandi pozdrowienia z polski fajny blog
cutepsycho just visiting again...
Tigerrr OMGH thanxx john, if only my ray-bans werent at the shop rite you think they can differentiate between ray-bans and armanis?
Gloria Oh, it's ON, motherfrakker!
chaucer hi.. ijust hope you understand my post its all in TAGALOG languages, anyways.. i find your blog nice too.. have a nice day
WTC I was actually stationed at the bombing range on the left while in the Navy 96-99
WTC I was actually in the navy and stationed at the bombing range in 96-99.
starfish was here again!
Authenticia Hey there!
silent_will whoa lots of pictures and videos here!

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[Headphones] :: Bush and Brando Debate - JfZ

Posted at 08:16 am by John Furie Zacharias

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Saturday, July 24, 2004
PiG SHIrT - Learn to Cook

Listen to the PiG: Buy some effin' gear!

Whatever obnoxious thing you may think of for what the PiG says will go into the cartoon word balloon I've put on top of the likeness of that oddly familiar yellow thing (which will remain nameless for legal reasons) that you -- or one of your kids -- may have played with as a small child.

You see, I feel it's my task, duty, and burden to utterly obliterate any remaining happy and innocent childhood memories onto which you might still be clinging.

Other Official Listen to the Pig shirts
 Victoria's Secret  Goodbye Kitty  
 (your idea here?)    


We all know some serious PiGs.  If you think you have a good PiG comment, let me know.  Click on the [ Permalink ]  link below and give us your best (or worst) shot.  Your comments could be on the next PiG's shirt when he gets arrested and shown on TV on COPS.

Friday, July 23, 2004
Happiness is a warm gun

I want to eat Mexican
Okay fine. For whatever reason, I know most of you never even bother to click on any of the handy-fucking-dandy links I put in the blog entries, like that polar bear story, which only had two links in it.  That's okay.  Most of the time, I code the links into the story for just me alone anyway.  Just like you are right now, I know anyone likely to be reading Thunderstorms is probably too friggin' stupid to understand that oftentimes the story is totally incomplete without the information learned at the linked site.  If I didn't code links into the pages, the blog entries themselves would have to be even longer if I had to cut-and-paste everything you needed to know into them.  That's just too much baby food news for me to have to process and make anyone eat, I think.

Sucks to be Boris
Hell, I know some of you barely read the blog entry -- that's why I highlight different phrases in orange -- and most of you stupid nocturnal rodents are just relieved that I usually like to include a pretty picture with the blog entry so you don't even have to bother scanning the effin' page for highlighted words.

So what got me on this happy little rant?  Well, my usual reaction to some of the most important or horrific news stories is to lightened it up by being a smart-ass, either with some humorous satire or some angry sarcasm.  But since you don't bother to follow any of the links away from this page anyway, I'm going to put things in the JfZ information blender and then spoon-fucking-feed it to you -- like Gerber's baby food -- because that's obviously how you prefer to ingest your information and it's an excuse to tell you some of the back story on Boris the polar bear.

Back in 2002, Boris probably was not the happiest polar bear on the planet.
Instead of frolicking on some ice flow or snow pack in Alaska somewhere, he and six other polar bears were in friggin' Puerto Rico with the Suarez Brothers Circus.  All the bears were suffering and in poor health.  Carla Capalli of the Humane Society of Puerto Rico even recorded a video showing the bears drooling and swaying in 113 degree August heat, without water.

A U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (USFWS) investigative team finally acted on the violations of the Marine Mammal Protection Act and one of the polar bears, Alaska, was seized by the USFWS and transferred to the Baltimore Zoo that March.

No, no.  I'm cool now.
It wasn't until November 2002 that the other six polar bears were taken away from the Suarez Brothers Circus.

The Detroit Zoo took in the female bear, Barle, and the Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium in Tacoma, WA adopted the polar bears, Kenneth and Boris, who needed the root canal surgeries about which I blogged a year later.  It was the first operation ever performed in the PDZA's new $4.3 million Animal Hospital.  The remaining three male polar bears Wilhelm, Masha and Royale  went to the North Carolina Zoo, in Asheboro, N.C.  Sadly though, Royale died on the trip from San Juan, Puerto Rico.

Besides just trying to make Hygelic laugh once in while, there was another reason that this story had interested me further.  There are no coincidences, just convergent events.

You see, before I came to Florida to help my mom out, I was actually quite proud that I had helped build the Artic Ring of Life at the Detroit Zoo in 2001.  From me to you, happiness is a warm gun but, for polar bears, happiness is probably a typical Detroit winter.

Thursday, July 22, 2004
Suggest your story HERE

Listen to your mother
I know I may really regret asking YOU what you'd like me to do (see image) but, I've been busy, or distracted, or whatever lately  -- doing other things than putting up quick, humorous things for you to read at Thunderstorms.

Whether you arrived here, right now -- because you're screwing off and digitally masturbating inside the perceived privacy of your office cubicle at work, taking a break from tenaciously rounding up those pesky little dust bunnies on the floor under your bed, or just in a dorm room waiting for someone to return with more beer and you're so abso-fucking-lutely drunk you accidently typed in this web address instead of "" -- I do endeavor to have something for you to read, even though I personally think you're likely a lying weasel or a stupid pig.

So, let's see you pick something to talk about, shall we?

Here's a serendipitous example from some months ago to help you understand what I'm asking you to do.  It's very simple.  

This popped up on my TAG board (left side panel) one day:

hygelic I'm on the toilet, wirelessly reading your blog. You, sir, can put yer weed in there!
hygelic One more thing - I'm waiting for your editorial on the republican polar bear root canal surgery.

So a few days later -- since Hygelic happens to be such a good friend from way back in the d-a-y and he's just a friggin' all-around cool guy that makes me laugh when we get a chance to talk, and nowadays this blog would not even exist if it were not for his friendship and generosity -- I was compelled to end Hygelic's sojourn on the toilet with this short blog entry so other people in the house could finally use the bathroom, too.

Like Hygelic, his pungent fish fragrance filled the room

Sucks to be Boris
I think root canal surgery on polar bears (ursus maritimus) is a growth industry.  According to Rhonda Savage, a dentist near Tacoma, polar bears kept in tiny circus cages around the world develop a nervous habit of rubbing their teeth on the metal bars and excess wear can occur.  I can empathize with this as I grind my teeth at night.  Recently, one of these polar bears, a 19-year-old named Boris, went in for some dental work to take care of two problem teeth.

You'd think it would be tough performing two root canals on a 1,018-pound, meat-eating beast with 4-inch claws.  Not according to Boris' dentist, Edmund Kwan.  Not quoted as saying, "First, you just knock the bitch out like some fat, middle-aged teamster and then use a larger drill bit".

While Boris got two root canals done, it's known that his buddy, Kenneth will require five surgeries.  Dentists are salivating and rubbing their own teeth on cash registers at the prospect of a whole new growing demographic of clientele.

As many women have had their dentist fondle them while under anesthesia, Boris also had liberties taken.  With no prior consent, they drew blood and urine from him.  While this seems to be a gross violation of his privacy, Boris doesn't plan any litigation as he had no dental insurance to cover the financial cost of his procedures.

Although The News Tribune in Tacoma didn't specify if Boris was a Republican at the time of his root canal.  My personal opinion is that Boris is more likely to be a Libertarian as he certainly would devour any donkey or elephant meat given to him like a free hot wing appetizer at Hooters.  Donkeys and Elephants can eat tons of grass every day but, they get all righteous if a couple of polar bears smoke any.

Do you see how this works now?  It doesn't have to be based on a real news story. In fact, if it's not, as this one wasn't, good.  We'll make it one.  Think of it as like an anti-YCMTSU topic.  The more imaginative and creative you are coming up with a topic, the more likely it will be that I even bother to read your mindless ramblings or write something about it.

Hit [ Permalink ] right now and let the first thing that comes to your mind spew forth.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004
Lunacy - Gods and Monsters

 Gotta Keepon Rovin ... on Mars
Wow.  There has been so much in space-related news this month about which I wanted to discuss but, events affecting our little lives down on this pathetic spinning ball of mud have constantly seemed to change my focus.

Case in point: When Cassini-Huygens finally reached the planet Saturn after a trip of nearly a billion friggin' miles, our attention was not focussed on this awesome achievement, our gaze was not lifted to the heavens, our hearts were not light, and our imagination was not working triple shifts in the glory of exploration.

Nope.  Sadly, our collective attention was focussed upon a pathetic little sort of man likely exhibiting the signs of neurotic and paranoid mental disorders associated with a life lived in meglomania yet, in the end having nothing but a recent haircut, a cheap suit and a borrowed memo pad.  The location of the excitement was not even as spectacular as the grandeur of the ancient Roman Coliseum.  It was only a nondescript office-like court room in Baghdad.  Nonetheless, through the singular gaze of a small television camera whose non-blicking HAL-9000 vision was transmitted around the entire planet to nearly any citizen who wanted it, we all were able to drool over the spectacle and participate in the salacious game like a Roman hoping the lion would tear the wild-eyed and frightened slave to utter hunks of bloody flesh.

While I often prefer to look at events like this one with a sarcastic eye, I'm as guilty as anyone else for having this regrettable passion of baser delights.  Beyond the fiction of film, I also delight in the spectacle and the shock: in police chases viewed from the helicopter or dash camera, in Girls Gone Wild, and Las Vegas casinoes exploding in demolition.

But, if that's the case, then we must admit to ourselves that we are also stimulated by the same things rarely publicly admissable in a polite society.  I stared awestruck at the live footage from the ground when the fast moving wall cloud of gray death seemed to turn the corner and overtake New Yorkers fleeing for their lives on the street when the massive 100 story buildings of the WTC towers collapsed.  I was completely mesmerized.

We freely use terms like Shock and Awe, as if we were casually penning the title of a movie script, when in fact many fellow human beings died that night and day at the hands our military, directed by our leaders, presumably doing our bidding.  In the comfy Laz-y-Boy of our own private, modern Roman gallery, we can drool at the hunks of bloody flesh in this troubling game seemingly in which we have chosen to participate and then judge the poor bastards on the business-end of the television cameras with an orange, Cheetos-stained thumbs-down.

" Let's change the beat. " -- Jean-Baptiste Emmanuel Zorg (Gary Oldham)

Well, enough of me taking my own advice (on introspection).  I did want to point out some space-related items before our next major mass media distraction, the official release of the 9/11 report, because some very cool things are actually happening out there.  So, unlike the preceding somber introspection, it's that happy, happy Pee-Wee's Playhouse-like time where I get to be humorous and informative.  And guess what?  The only price you have to pay for this infotainment is some small endurance of me making fun of you in some sarcastic way with unusually long sentences.  So let's get started.

Typically, if right at this very moment, you're just staring blankly at your monitor after having just come from the Brittney chat room as your idea of a productive online experience, you could always just actually move your hairy, bloated index finger a few millimeters and burn a few calories by clicking through some of the handy-fucking-dandy links I bother to put in here for you in some futile hope that it might raise your bovine intelligence quotient a point or two.  Or, not.  I honestly don't care if you have read this far while mindlessly chewing your artifically nacho cheese-flavored, toasted corn chip cud.  But, for you smarter kids, here's some info for your next book report. 

I began today by mentioning Cassini-Huygens.  The mission is to go to Saturn and its moons.  Tell the stupid-looking one breathing pizza breath over your shoulder, "Saturn is that big planet with the rings."  Here are some interesting things I just recently learned about Saturn because back when I was in school, I was typically skipping science class, sitting in my friend's Bat Mobile or his brother's Jeep in the school parking lot, and passing around a fatty:

Saturn has 31 moons.  That's a bit excessive, don't you think?   Saturn has as many little moons hanging around it as Michael Jackson has potential litigants circling him during Pet the Monkey day at Wonderland.  Saturn's largest moon is Titan and it is bigger than our own moon, or even the planet Mercury.  And it has something neither of them have -- an atmosphere.  But, I guess that's like comparing Roseanne Barr, Oprah, and Wilson Phillips and saying the one can sing.  Yeah, so?

Since Titan has an atmosphere, it's the big moon to check out.  All the other moons are only road side souvenir stands selling cheap plastic keychain alligators made in China compared to this Disney franchise of a moon.  Cassini-Huygens is going to spend the next four years checking out the Saturnian system.  Cassini is the orbiter and Huygens is the probe.  If it'll help you remember which is which, just think about Starsky and Hutch go to space.  Owen Wilson is the tall, affable one with the all-american good looks and boyish charm, and Ben Stiller is, well, a troubling person to watch in any movie.  Maybe that wasn't helpful.  Think of it this way: Huygens is going to check out Titan and is leaving Cassini in the car.

Nevermind. Go back to your Brittney chat room.  Besides, Mark Kate and Ashley turned 18 this year and they're double your fantasy and twice the franchise of that iconic mouseketeer.  But, I guess if you find this space stuff interesting like I do, you can just go to JPLMe?  I'm going to the pool, floating around on my back, and watching some clouds drift by overhead.

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