John Furie Zacharias
having a bad day in a strange place
Thunderstorms Anywhere

Thunderstorms in the Imajica

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Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Spy Kids 3-D: Game Over

I'm blue, I'm cute, and I can bug your office
Today, I went on a virtual tour of the CIA compound with everyone's little buddy, Ginger Bear.  While I grew up with Yogi Bear and Boo-boo, now kids in grades K through 5 can hang out with Ginger at the CIA.

Yogi and Boo-boo did steal pic-a-nic baskets, but Ginger also seems cutely sneaky.  First, she's not supposed to leave Marta's cubicle but decides to go on an adventure around the CIA compound anyway.

Snooping in her friend Marta's appointment book, Ginger thinks, "Hmm, Marta is going to be out of the office on business most of today. Maybe I can take a little tour by myself and get back before she does".  And so, off we go.

First, Ginger wanders outside to the Memorial Garden.  It's the most zen peaceful place of the three memorial areas at the CIA, and the most recently built.  The other two -- the OSS memorial and the CIA memorial wall -- are more traditional.  Ginger Bear doesn't go into much detail about these memorials.   Instead, she comments on how big the fish are in the memorial garden's pond, how big the statue is at the OSS memorial and how very many stars the are on the CIA memorial.

Ginger tell us, "Because of the secret work we do, not everyone's name is listed in the Book of Honor".  The book of honor is bound with Moroccan goat skin, but if you're a CIA agent that disagrees with the Cheney-Bush administration, your name could end up in every newspaper in the world

In light of all the recent problems between the intelligence community and Dubya's administration, I had to laugh out when little Ginger bear described the DCI portrait gallery:

"This is the DCI Portrait Gallery . What's a DCI? Well, DCI stands for Director of Central Intelligence. When you have been around here as long as I have, you know what this stuff means! Well, each one of these men was head of the CIA and the IC, or the Intelligence Community. The DCI helps the President and other leaders by providing them with information or intelligence about the world to help them make decisions on how to lead our country."

I guess the DCI only helps the President if the President hears what he wants to hear, right Ginger?

I think Ginger has had enough fun with truth and politics at this point and heads over to the nifty Cold War Exhibit at the CIA.  She opines, "There are some really neat spy things here and they actually belong to one person. He has even more at home. I wonder if his mom gets mad about all the stuff in his room?

Oddly enough, most of the exhibits at the CIA's Cold War Exhibit are on loan from Mr. H. Keith Melton, a south-Florida businessman who owns 25 McDonalds fast food restaurants.  Melton is also an author of such titles as "The Spy's Guide: Office Espionage: How to Bug a Meeting, Booby-Trap Your Briefcase, Infiltrate the Competition, and More".  Melton is a pretty interesting guy.  Check out how he recently participated in Spy Fest 2003.

If you just wanted a stupid McJob, I think it would really suck to have Melton as your employer.  This guy would know the number of french fries you ate on your lunch break, for god's sake.  Ginger doesn't care though.  She stopped into the CIA cafeteria, which at this point in her adventure seems to me to be the frickin' climax of her little CIA tour as she eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

You might need all the brain food you can stuff into your fat pie hole with both fists to figure out the next stop on Ginger Bear's adventure.  On the way back to Marta's office cubicle, she checks out the Kryptos statue.  Then, it's time to head over to the new CIA headquarters building atrium where they have some nifty models of U.S. spy planes.  Yup.  That's what you really saw in the Black Rock Desert, in Nevada, when you thought you were seeing UFOs, stoned out of your fucking mind at Burning Man that one year. 

Ginger Bear could have told you that.  Other than snooping, lying, thwarting security, and sneaking around the CIA, Ginger Bear is a good little blue bear.  She doesn't do drugs and see UFOs like you, you stupid pothead.  Then again, who would believe me if I told them I saw a little blue bear standing on the seal of the CIA today?

Posted at 06:43 am by John Furie Zacharias


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