John Furie Zacharias
having a bad day in a strange place
Thunderstorms Anywhere

Thunderstorms in the Imajica

 The different ways I don't like you 
 in a list that may never become organized
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Monday, November 24, 2003
Charles Darwin would have played Quake III

Darwin is a dead man now
I thought I would point out this story I read over on Plastic.  It seems there is actually a group called World Against Toys Causing Harm (WATCH) that researches toys and compiles a list of what the group considers to be dangerous toys and why they are so insidious.

WATCH was founded by a trial lawyer named Edward M. Swartz who has published books entitled Toys That Don't Care and Toys That Kill.  Here's what one reviewer of these books had to say:

" When my child was run over by a popping-ball "lawnmower", and killed... I became suddenly aware of the danger of toys. I have locally formed a group to raise awarness of the liability of the toy industry for allowing such lax standards to pass. In addition to our monthly toy burning, we all agree to read on book together on the evils of the toy industry. This book is so popular, it's been selected over a dozen times for book of the month.
Very compelling!

I know what you're thinking ... JfZ is being funny again.  I swear to any-God-of-your-choosing that is a real book review.  I could smoke a bale of weed and never come up with my child was run over with popping-ball lawnmower and killed!  You just can't make this shit up. Monthly toy burning!?

Maybe the list can help you with your upcoming holiday shopping.  I mean, hell, if you don't like the neighbor's kids, buy everything on the list, give it to them, and hope for the best.

Other people on Plastic fondly went down memory lane and reminisced about their own childhood toys and some other toys they wished they had:

Chatsubo had a wind-up Evil Knievel motorcycle that flew off its ramp and knocked a cat unconscious.  He also had some fun and injuries with cap guns and chemistry sets.

Josh of Arc wished he would have had an Aqua Assault RoboFighter, as seen on The Onion.

Osomatic seems to have enjoyed not only firecrackers and discarded PVC pipes, but also my own personal favorite, lawn darts.

LostBoyJim pined away for a popular toy.  Saturday Night Live's Happy Fun Ball.

What were your favorite toys that had the potential for serious bodily injury or even death?

Childhood trauma helps us all and shapes our adult lives.  Personally, I really hate Golf.  I think golf courses are obscene wastes of real estate that not only take away millions of acres of natural habitat for indigenous species of wildlife, but also are epicenters of water pollution from lawn care chemicals in the name of a green lawn just so old, rich, fat men can get away from their disfunctional families for a few hours.  I think my opinion of golf formed in my mom's car on the way to Botsford Hospital after my friend Marc created a bloody divot in my skull while trying to instruct me on the finer points of driving a golf ball over Ten Mile Road and into the childhood home of Joelle Lukasiewicz

In addition, I'm very safe and cautious with firearms and projectile weapons in general because my friend Paul shot me in the leg with my own Crossman BB-gun.  I had to dig that little happy fun ball out of my thigh.  Even later in life, I wore an eye-protecting full face mask while running around the same yards shooting it up with paintball guns with the neighbor, Bryan.  There's no way to avoid the sting and pain, and purple-yellow bruising of a paintball hitting you at 300 feet-per-second in the dark at close range, but there's no need to lose an eye, right?

All these childhood toys are great for one reason.  Natural Selection.  Our world is messed up enough without all the stupid kids being coddled and protected, surviving their youth, and running for political office.

Posted at 12:30 pm by John Furie Zacharias


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